FIRST SKYDIVE
MACHO MAN’S REAL THOUGHTS
Well here I go. Whoosh! Dang what happened to the plane. Oh! there it is a way up
there.(already?) And what is that almighty screaming. The wind! The wind! It must be
100 m.p.h. up here. The ground is coming up awfully fast. Oh! Hell, Pull the string, Pull
the string, you fool. String, what the heck is a string.
Now I remember, just like they taught me in diving, do it just like they taught me. I don’t think I have time to repeat things to myself. No, I don’t. I don’t. Man, Look at that ground. I think I shouldn’t look at the ground. I think they told me that. It can hypnotize you. But it’s getting so big.
O.k. o.k. I’m going to die! I am going to die! Wait, get a hold on.
Think! Think! I may hit that stupid ground but I not going to die. I may make a huge
circular splatter but I guarantee you I am not going to die. I am going to jump right up and scream “I’m alive” “I’m alive” I bet no one will believe that. I bet no one has done
that one before.
Pull the string! Pull the string! Who in the crap keeps saying that
.
It’ me keeps saying that, you idiot! O.k. O.k. Crap. where is it? Did I put one on when I
dressed for this stupid........ What is the plane doing going around and round. God It’s
me. I’m spinning. They told me not to do that. I’m dead. Now I’m dead for sure!
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray.... No , No I’m not laying me down to sleep. I’m
walking in some still water with some sheep. Crap, now I know it’s all over. I can’t
even remember a decent prayer.
It’s all ooooooverrrrr but the crying. Who sings that? Is it Merl Haggard. No, No it’s Roseanne Barr. You idiot Roseanne Barr doesn’t sing country, She hates country. It is Merle Haggard.or somebody like that. I don’t know.
I don’t know. What do you want from me? I’m not a frigging country and western expert.
I just want to go home. I’m tired of this game. I want my mother and I want to go to bed
and get up and go to Sunday School and shake hands with the preacher and watch the
Cowboys throw 5 more interceptions and watch Sunday night at the movies and call my
girlfriend and shake hands with somebody.
Uh, Hey man, Hey!
Yeah, what is it? Uh, There’s a little matter here we need to discuss.
What do you want?. Can you see I’m busy? Buzz off.
Man, you gonna be buzzing if you don’t pull that string. Oh, Crap, That’s right, what am I doing? What am I doing? Crap! What is it now? The frigging string is blowing
behind me and I can’t catch it. What? The string. I can’t catch it. What can I do now?
Come on, big mouth, what do I do now?
Well, I don’t know what you are going to do now, but I know what I am going to do now. I’m going to leave your butt when we get about six feet from the ground. And that don’t look to be very long from here.
PLOP! God, is that what it feels like. I just died and I only felt a little jerk. I did it!
I did it! I hit the ground and I’m still alive. Boy, that mind power stuff really works!
But something is wrong. I’m still above the ground. I know! I know! I died and this is my spirit, rising to meet the angels.
You idiot! You nincompoop, Your emergency chute just opened!
What?
Don’t you see that big chute billowing over your head? You’re still falling but a helluva lot slower. Oh, yeah I see it now. Then I will live and I’m not dead and I don’t have to watch the Cowboys throw 5 interceptions in one game and I don’t have to go to Sunday School and I can call all my friends and go play pool and I don’t have to call that girl and......
I hit the ground, feet first in awe at how good I was. The follow up truck comes screeching up, people jumping out and asking was it scary. I gather my chute
and walk toward the truck. Very calmly I crow “PIECE OF CAKE”
Now all I have to do is go find Mr. Whiffle, the Charmin tissue man.
